


Kaidan Alenko Appreciation

by bioticfox (ayambik)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:20:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6112053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayambik/pseuds/bioticfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ficlets written for Kaidan Appreciation Week 2016, originally posted on tumblr and dealing with the themes of family + the in between years, loss, general head canons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In between + family

**Author's Note:**

> This is for day 2 + 3. You can find the graphic to go with this fic [here](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139197734975/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-2-in) and you can find day 1 [here ](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139071095810/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-1-humour)(graphic/edit)

He hadn’t been home long. At least, he didn’t feel like he’d been home long. The days were starting to blur. All he could remember was the look on Rahna’s face _after_. He’d started to believe he could see the same fear in the eyes of the strangers he passed on the street, all of them simultaneously looking _at_  him and looking _through_ him, but each and every one of them knowing exactly what he’d done. 

That’s how he ended up sat on the cold stone floor, in the not-so-nice area of town, with the beginnings of a migraine and no will left to keep going. He’d been trying to outrun it all, to get just far enough away so that nobody would know. One step in front of the other, that’s all it would take to get to a place where nobody would know how messed up he was. That was his plan anyway, but his flawed implant had put a stop to that before he’d even really got started. He could have kept going, of course. Vyrnnus had seen to it that he knew how to push past his limits, regardless of whether his head felt like it was on fire or not. Vyrnnus wasn’t around though, not anymore, and perhaps out of spite, or maybe simply because he could, Kaidan sat down and didn’t get back up again.

That was how his father found him, hours later, staring into the distance. Emotionless, exhausted and alone. 

“Your mother was worried about you when you didn’t come home."

Kaidan no longer had the energy to flinch at the unintentional reprimand, tiredness now running bone deep, weariness taking advantage of the first time he’d truly let it catch up with him.

“Sorry”, Kaidan exhaled, “I didn’t mean to be gone so long, I just had to keep going. Then I stopped and haven’t started again since”. 

He felt tired, eyes growing heavy, and rapidly blinking to stay awake, exhausted to the point where he saw the world around him in muted greys and faded colours. The ache he felt in his head was spreading, and the sense of gratitude for his father’s presence increased tenfold, thankful for the safety and comfort of childhood that only a parent could provide. 

“Let’s get you home, son. Tomorrow we can talk. About everything. For now, though, let’s get you home”

Grasping the hand his father offered him, he hauled himself upright, the world tilting slightly as dizziness made him stumble, one foot tripping over nothing and struggling with the other. Slinging his arm around his father’s shoulder, he let himself be led, allowing himself to feel like a little kid again. 

“Tomorrow will be another day, but for now, let’s just go home”.

And they did.


	2. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on [this](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/138800709940/headcanon) post: Kaidan was planning on asking mShepard out on the day Shepard got spaced.

Kaidan couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t know how to deal with it. Couldn’t fully process what _it_ even was. One minute he was standing next to his Commander, laughing and joking (and maybe throwing some not so subtle glances his way). The next minute Shepard was gone. Just gone. 

It was a relatively simple mission, small in comparison to what had come before. It wasn’t Saren, or Reapers, or even a galactic emergency any more. Just patrolling, looking for Geth activity and signs of the missing ships. Truthfully, it was basically a slap in the face, almost a punishment for daring to suggest that there might be  _more_ reapers. The alliance didn’t want to hear it. The council _especially_ didn’t want to hear it.  Essentially the whole crew was on the interplanetary version of latrine duty. Nobody thought there would be much action, if there was any action at all. The absolute most anyone dared to imagine was maybe taking down a few hostile Geth. Basically routine by now. No one was expecting _this_.

_This_. What even was  _this_?

Shepard…

It wasn’t that they thought it was an easy mission and slacked off, or that they weren’t paying enough attention and got caught with their pants around their ankles, so to speak. They were the alliance’s finest, damn it. They gave their all to every single mission, no matter what it was. It was just…

How could they have _possibly_ predicted _this_?

Another ship had picked them up, not long after the attack. Kaidan was assuming it was a response to the distress beacon Joker had been broadcasting, but he didn’t feel the need to check. Didn’t feel the need to do much of anything really. 

Stars passed by: one, two, and then the next, and the next. More and more stars were left in the distance and there were _so many_ stars. Kaidan held himself still until his muscles ached from the tension, until it was all he could focus on. The only thing that he allowed himself to focus on. He took three short and shallow breaths, all he could manage to take. He felt tight, constricted, as if John’s absence from the universe was physically manifesting itself in Kaidan’s chest and _crushing_ him from the inside out.

Creases appeared on his forehead as he squeezed his eyes closed. He wasn’t sure if the pain was his implant acting up or if Shepard’s _departure_ took sole responsibility. Pain was at least a distraction. 

He’d had plans, after all. He’d finally decided, finally worked up the courage, to talk to his CO about…well, about a date. Lunch, when they returned to alliance space, or coffee on the citadel, maybe. He wasn’t fussy. Wherever the Normandy docked next, he just wanted to spend time with John. Wanted to sit across from him somewhere quiet, where they could relax. Somewhere he could stare into those blue eyes and finally allow himself to drown in them. He nearly had so many times before, only the thought of the mission had kept him focused. That and the thought of asking his _commanding officer_ out on a date was a pretty good reason to hesitate in itself. The thought of rejection had made beads of sweat roll down the back of his neck. If Shepard turned him down, if he’d read the signs wrong, things could get awkward pretty quickly. Stilted meetings in the hallways, one word conversations followed by embarrassed blushing and quick retreat. Accidental body contact no longer sought after, but shied away from, with a mumbled apology and eyes glued to the floor. It would make life on the Normandy a bit more of a challenge. He was a professional though, he never would’ve let it interfere with his duties. If he’d been wrong, that is. 

He didn’t think he’d been wrong, though. 

Shepard had responded to small smiles sent his way with grins of his own. Casual flirting had been returned every single time until it became something that didn’t feel casual any more. John had sought out Kaidan’s gaze across the room and held it for one beat, two beats, three beats longer than strictly necessary, creating so much tension between them he was surprised that the others in the room hadn’t noticed. No, Kaidan didn’t think he’d been wrong, and coffee with Shepard would’ve been nice. Really nice.

Not that it mattered any more.

Shepard was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Well…I hope you guys like it. It was my first attempt ever at writing something, let alone my first attempt at mshenko fic, so I’d really appreciate you guys letting me know what you thought. 
> 
> **Summary (aka things I made for Kaidan Appreciation Week 2016)**
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 1: Humour (graphic/edit)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139071095810/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-1-humour)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 2 + Day 3: The in between years + Family (fic + graphic/edit)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139197734975/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-2-in)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 4: Loss (fic)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139241585500/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-4-loss-ok)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 5: Romance (graphic/edit)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139321488140/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-5-romance)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 6: Friendships (graphic/edit + headcanons)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139427399340/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-6)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 7: Free for all (fic)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139506553465/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-7-free)
> 
>  
> 
> [Bonus: Summary (+graphic)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139547880210/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-bonus-graphic)


	3. First date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Free For All | General Headcanons Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short thing for the final day of Kaidan Appreciation Week. I tried to use this week to attempt to start and improve writing. This marks my third ever fic and my first attempt at writing an actual conversation. I can officially say that dialogue is hard xD If anyone has any tips or comments in general, I’d love to hear them, I’m trying to teach myself how to “write creatively”.

He was nervous, that’s for sure. He could hold his own facing down Cerberus soldiers, Geth and Reapers, but for this, he was nervous. It certainly  _felt_ like life and death, even if he had traded his armour for Alliance clothing, and his gun was safely locked away. There was no denying the importance of it though, no matter what happened today, things would change.

Maybe it would be safer to say nothing, to keep things quiet. He could have a nice, relaxing lunch with a friend, tell some jokes and just make Shepard smile. He did like to make Shepard smile. Things could stay the same between them, he could keep to the easy friendship and camaraderie that was almost (but not quite) enough. All he had to do was keep his feelings locked up and stowed away, just like his equipment back on the Normandy. Shepard didn’t need to know. Hell, the man had the entire weight of the galaxy on his soldiers, he didn’t need Kaidan’s words of intent, hadn’t asked for them. 

Pacing through the Presidium, he glanced up to see a familiar blue figure, leaning against a balcony in the distance. Might as well check in, he figured, otherwise he’d just be wandering through the Commons for the next twenty minutes, back and forth like a mad man. Liara didn’t look up as he approached, but the prickly feeling on the back of his neck told him she probably knew he was there. She always seemed to know.

“Major,” she smiled, still staring out at the view, “what brings you to this corner of the Citadel?”

“Hm, I’m meeting Shepard at Apollo’s, but it seems I’m a bit early.” It struck him as lucky, that of all the people he could have bumped into, it would be the one person he could trust to keep his secret and perhaps shed some light on his dilemma. Clearing his throat, he continued, “I, uhh, was actually going to tell him something today, but I’m not sure if I should. I feel like it might be a mistake. To tell him how I feel, I mean. I was hoping I could get your opinion”

He waited for her acknowledgement, which she gave with a slight nod of her head.

“It seems like telling him could only be the wrong decision. If I tell him how I feel and they are not returned, things on board the Normandy could get…difficult. Duty would always come first and we’d make it work, of course, but things could be awkward.

“And then, if…” he paused, licking his lips. If this were poker, Vega would be kicking his ass with all these nervous tells. “If he does want to pursue this, with me, then we’ve _both_ got to keep things professional in an _entirely_ different way…it’s like I’d be adding an extra burden to the ones he’s already got, and he’s already carrying so much on his shoulders.” 

In fact, Kaidan thought it seemed almost selfish, more about his own wants than Shepard’s needs. He could see Apollo’s in the distance, and felt the comforting presence of Liara’s familiar biotics next to his own, allowing him to try and calm the heart he could feel beating wildly in his chest. He was a soldier, he’d made countless decisions with tougher calls and bigger stakes than this one, but it had been a while since he’d been so conflicted. Though, looking back, all his worst moments of indecision seemed to involve Shepard.

“I can’t tell you if he’ll refuse you or not Kaidan, though I do suspect you have nothing to worry about in that regard,” Liara started, carefully choosing her words, “but perhaps it might help you to think of it this way. You are both grown men. If he refuses, which I doubt, I trust you both to do your duties completely and without fault. It might be a little awkward for a time, yes, but in the heat of battle, he’ll still know to rely on you and you on him. And if he _does_ reciprocate, then maybe instead of adding to his burdens, you can help him to carry them. It might be exactly what he needs to keep fighting, to keep moving forward. _You_ might be exactly what he needs." 

“Exactly what he needs, huh?” he said, as he turned to leave, time almost up. “I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

**Author's Note:**

> I would appreciate your feedback, feel free to get in touch, I’m always happy to hear from fellow fans, 
> 
>  
> 
> **Summary (aka things I made for Kaidan Appreciation Week 2016)**
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 1: Humour (graphic/edit)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139071095810/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-1-humour)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 2 + Day 3: The in between years + Family (fic + graphic/edit)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139197734975/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-2-in)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 4: Loss (fic)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139241585500/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-4-loss-ok)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 5: Romance (graphic/edit)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139321488140/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-5-romance)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 6: Friendships (graphic/edit + headcanons)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139427399340/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-6)
> 
>  
> 
> [Day 7: Free for all (fic)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139506553465/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-day-7-free)
> 
>  
> 
> [Bonus: Summary (+graphic)](http://bioticfox.tumblr.com/post/139547880210/kaidan-alenko-appreciation-week-bonus-graphic)


End file.
